After yet another exhausting dinner of my children rejecting the food they have been given, the small one packing his cheeks and refusing to swallow, the big one piling too much food on his fork and dropping most of it on his shirt, both crying that salmon is “yucky”, I feel compelled to write my way out of another motherhood explosion. Because I am tired of a lack of agency in my life. I can’t even cook a dinner I want to eat and enjoy eating it without resistance. Here we go.
It was another exhausting day. As my youngest gets older, he just becomes more work. He can not converse at an age appropriate level and fittingly refers to himself as “baby” in the third person. As my oldest stays stuck mentally at 4 while continuing to age, I feel overwhelmed and perpetually angry. If I had to pick one “trigger” for my life, it is abject stupidity. This likely stems from childhood and growing up with my father, who is the biggest source of misery for this trigger. He is a classic narcissist. Feels he is always right. Never apologizes. Never tries to see someone else’s view. A complete misogynist racist to boot. Trump supporter. Will throw himself at someone else’s problem to play the hero where he is not wanted or useful, or worse, actually a burden. Will butt in and talk AT you about things. Dragged us to visit a dead end on the family tree because he felt cozying up to her would yield him monetary gains. You are an NPC in his world. I saw how he treated my mother. I saw how his treatment turned sour through her and caused her own parenting issues toward us. I spent much of my life so trapped and beaten down for fighting back against his stupidity that I attached myself to the first cart out of town that came through. They controlled me even when I turned 18. I wanted to move out, you know, because I was an adult. They threatened to not pay for my college. As if the money was coming from them, laughable. I’m sorry but who tries to tell their adult daughter not to move out? All that did was push me to get engaged so I could simply shift from their property to someone else’s. I never realized it before but that is really a powerful conclusion. I wanted out so bad I was willing to fly from one cage to another. I’ve never truly been a free whole human being before. I thought that was actually what I wanted, to be coddled and taken care of, but now I’m not so sure. I think that’s just what I was told I wanted. I’ve been brainwashed.
Perhaps if I hadn’t been so eager to get the hell out of dodge from a mother twisted from verbal abuse and a father who once threw all my belongings on the lawn when I was 17 because my room was “too dirty” (it was not) and forced me to miss a cast party to clean it up, frequently backed me into a corner with insults and spitting in my face when I confronted him about being a jerk, perhaps I would have chosen my mate more carefully. Perhaps I wouldn’t have chosen one that, when confronted with his own addictive choices and poor treatment of me will either sulk, yell at me how it’s actually my fault, or concede he is a “shitty hubby” but make no steps toward self improvement. I simply do not understand this.
If I were to look back on my old livejournal, which is still there and readable, it’s almost funny how many of my issues with my father mirror those I have with my husband. I used to liken living under his roof as having a toddler in charge. Nothing ever felt like it was done with my feelings in mind, and what was was usually from money. They could buy me things I needed or wanted. Money only goes so far. Having a toddler in charge meant someone I did not believe was operating on all cylinders, someone I felt I could do a better job than. Someone who still had a lot of maturing to do. But them being in charge meant I would never have the opportunity to implement my changes. It would always be someone else’s call. I felt that way then and I feel that way now.
My husband will frequently point to wanting to “take care of me” as a symbol of why his treatment is his treatment. It’s a good thing he pays all the bills and does all the “man” stuff….right? Ladies love that shit? You could certainly make a case for that. But the execution and the intention and the motivation are all…less wholesome then they appear. My husband pays all the bills because he never wanted to rely on me. He did not want to truly concede control over his life, nor share it with someone else. We chose a home we could afford on one income despite having 2 because living outside his complete means would force him to rely on me. And for reasons known only to him, that I can only speculate at, he did not want to do that. For this reason, I’m basically a prisoner in my own life yet again.
When we have an argument about this, that the arrangement we have is not fair, it falls on deaf ears. How can it not be fair when he thinks he is making all the sacrifice and I am the one getting all the benefit? Except he is not listening to me when I tell him this “benefit” is actually not what I’m asking for. I like being “taken care of”. I do. What I do not like is not actually being able to open my own cage door. He does not see it as a cage. It is in fact a cage.
I do not know how to make him see. The only way out of my cage is basically to smash it on the ground, breaking it forever and never being able to come back (divorce). That is certainly one solution. I never go for the nuclear option unless all other outlets have been exhausted. I do not go for the “jeff email” until case appeals, seller support emails, and asking for help in the forums have all yielded no results. You should never leap at the chance to smash that nuke button. For that reason I do not want to break the cage. We all have our “cage” in life. The only difference is whether or not you are a prisoner or if you chose it as home. I want the freedom to fly home at night. I want that CHOICE.
When I expertly chiseled away at my husband’s dumb arguments one night he finally slipped up that he liked our arrangement. He liked having the control. He liked calling the shots. He liked that he paid the bills and felt that entitled, yes entitled, him to a bigger slice of the home and decisions regarding it. Somehow that included having say over another human’s complete life? If we back up, we’ll see a track record of me not having income to match my husband’s. When we met we were on the levelest ground we would ever be on. We had the same job, though he was in a higher position. He graduated college and took off in the cable company. I still had college ahead of me. By the time I graduated and got a job he had decided to go back to higher ed and was already a few rungs higher in his company. My job paid for my student loans, then paid for IVF and medical costs. I never truly got anywhere. I got pregnant and lost my job. I was now firmly out of the career force and stuck in the vortex of motherhood. True, I chose motherhood. That choice is something I will touch on later because it comes next, after the husband saga. Once in that vortex, you really can’t get back out again. You have now been lobbed right into where you were meant to be stuck. Relying on your husband, who never wanted your financial assistance anyway due to trust and control issues.
I knew I could not get out of the vortex until I was done having kids. I knew I wanted one more despite not truly enjoying it. I couldn’t foist an only child on the world. I had to give them each other. No one could ever understand them in the world more then one another, at least I could hope. That’s all I could do. So I had another. Shortly after that one was born I began to shift focus once again on lining up my future path. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. Never once was that my long term plan. Due to losing my job and then my husband yoinking me away to chase career goals in NC, I really didn’t have any hope of building a new career. I knew I needed to bide my time and re-strategize. Once fresh baby was around 6 months I brought up the topic of going back to work to my husband. He was NOT happy. He sounded much like my parents forbidding me from moving out….sad people trying to control an adult. I can not recall the reasons but I’m sure it was a mix of “but you need to take care of them” and “daycare is bad and expensive”. It was that and also the fact that due to my husband job, he can NEVER be relied on for child care. Very convenient. He is on call at least once a month, and frequently puts in overnights and late nights. Meaning if I ever had a job, I would have to be the one working childcare around my schedule. No “you take the kids to school and I’ll pick them up”…no “you pick that one up from daycare on Tuesdays and I’ll do weds”. It was always going to have to be me because he literally and conveniently can not be relied on. Because work comes first. Because he put himself in this position to need to be a workaholic that no one ever asked of him.
For this reason I almost immediately bought a cricut and heat press and pushed my Etsy store into the spotlight. If I couldn’t go out and have a career I was going to make my own damn it. I spent 2 years growing it to a plateau, able to pay for my groceries and things but never getting “real fucking money”. Then bolstered by the community on instagram, pushed hard back into reselling, which had been my baby for a long time. This is the first year I’ve had real success doing it at the level of a full time job. I’m in rare form. I’ve got 3 ecommerce platforms working for me and I do it all from home. I was able to buy myself a fucking car. Mama is back ya’ll, flying out the vortex and coming for you. The dawn of a new era. I can take care of myself.
With what felt like a side quest out of the way I returned to my husband’s arguments of being taken care of and offered my share of money for the bills. I wanted to buy my freedom. You no longer have to rely on yourself and force me into a roll you built for me. You can take some of my money. You can let me pay for our life too. And then you can yield some of this to me and not feel so entitled to it all because it’s all being paid for by “your money”, ignoring the fact that you have a servant at home watching your babies, caring enough to not leave them in front of Disney + all day, that you were able to go back to school because I was here watching one, that your life is running and in order because someone is at home enabling that ladder climbing for you. Please take my money. Let’s be equals.
He refused. It was never about the money. It was about the power. If it were about the money he would happy take some of my relief. Maybe not work himself so hard. Ha. Why would someone who installed themselves on a throne be so easily unseated? He put himself in power. You don’t have power without someone under you. Can’t have that slave getting any rights. And that is where we are now. I am now running a successful business out of my house because I have no choice to have an office job. I am sand bagged with 2 small very needy children, I do not see where the solution lies. His solution is “stop working lol just be a mom”. I don’t understand why so many people, usually men, don’t understand that not every woman relishes the life of stay at home mom. I didn’t choose this. I was pushed into it. A lot of us are. So many mom forums are filled with women in this position. They cant work for various reasons. Sick or disabled child, don’t have good career prospects enough to pay for daycare, whatever my problem is, point is, the choice was removed from us. So many women on these forums will say things like “I was a stay at home mom for X months or years and I simply couldn’t do it anymore”. It’s actually not the paradise these men think it is. It’s pretty damn awful when it wasn’t something you chose. I need outlets for myself that are not my children. I have other interests outside of motherhood. I have personal goals I want to achieve before I die. I am a whole human. I am Heather, I am not simply “mom” or “wife”. I want the whole pie not just part of it. I want to feel whole. I want to grow my business. I went to business school. I threw my BSG partner away and told her I’d win the game for us if she just trusted me. And she did. And I did. When the faith gets put into me, when I’m allowed to soar, I win. When my wings are clipped or I’m stuck in a cage, I pluck my feathers and screech at my offspring. This is not what my brain was made to do. I am not an NPC in someone else’s game. I want to live. I require autonomy and a certain level of control.
My husband also argues that it’s all actually my fault. That I’m helpless and I need to not be. The man who stuck the bird in the cage is now calling the bird helpless. That’s rich. He blames me for my del sol being in such poor shape. The del sol was put in his name against my wishes, the del sol was forced out of the garage to make room for his nonsense reselling “need”. He once threatened to get rid of it no matter what I had to say because it was “his”. It got rained on and sun faded. He claims all that doesn’t actually matter because it’s cosmetic, he’s talking about engine shit. Ok so when it needed a new engine and brakes and front end shit I didn’t pay for it? I didn’t find the current mechanic I use? Bruh what are you smoking? Cosmetics are still big problem. The car looks like it does and has mold growing in it because of a selfish choice you made, that I had 0 say in, and I can not count on his schedule to schedule maintenance for it. But it’s all my fault you know. He told me to make appointments then tell him and he will get it off. When I recently told him I had a list of dates for upcoming cat shows he would need to take off I was old he would “see” if he could do it, no guarantee. So there you go. Me making an appointment ahead of knowing if it can actually happen is not a good way of doing things because he’s full of shit and I guarantee I will be yelled at if I actually try to do things the way he tells me to. I do it the way that actually makes sense which is to ask when he is free then seeing if I can book during that time. But truth be told the car is not high on my list of priorities when…I don’t know…I think seeing the doctor is more important and I haven’t done that yet either. You refuse to give me time away from the kids then get mad….when I don’t do things that require time away from the kids. Talk about someone doing “quit hitting yourself”. My arms are tied and I’m being repeatedly punched. THANKFULLY my smallest started preschool so I now have a little under 3 hours 4 days a week in which to schedule things and I have been making the most of it.
He will point to “letting” me go fly to get a cat as evidence I can’t possibly be trapped in a cage. Except for that pesky “letting” me terminology. I can’t do it without involving another human so I can transfer my sand bags to someone else for a day. A single day. Wow thanks master. My husband frequently calls himself a “shitty hubby” and will wonder out loud why I stay with him. This is bizarre to me and really starting to make me question why I do. Who talks like that? If you realize you’re doing someone else wrong enough to wonder why they remain, why would you not attempt to change things unless of course you benefit from the current dynamic and change requires work and concession? “Wow hunny I know things are terrible for you, that must suck, yeah I’m not going to change anything though because it’s pretty dope for me” is what I hear. That’s almost worse then not realizing there’s a problem at all. No actually it is worse.
My life right now is overwhelming due to having 2 children and a business tugging at me all day. The kids fight, the ADHD one is loud and obnoxious every second of every day. They both make hella messes. I suffer from probable SPD. Noise and I do not get along. It scrambles my brain and short circuits everything. Weekends are the worst. When most people look forward to recharging I look forward to having no break from my kids and husband who is gone almost all day working on his reselling BS. He told me his job is trying to kill him and he MUST resell to cope. Just like he MUST drink caffeine and MUST eat shitty food. His MUSTS are actually addiction and poor coping mechanisms that I am forced to deal with. It’s absolutely cute to me he feels he is allowed to have a full time job AND hobby, these are MUSTS, but I should give up my business and financial independence because I have kids that overwhelm me and he conveniently is too busy on his MUSTS to help. No where in our life is room for a MUST from me. BROooooooo you do not deserve a wife like me. If I want help he insists I schedule it in advance. I can not call on him in the moment. His needs come before mine. Deep within him I KNOW he thinks I am exaggerating and it’s actually not a real problem. That because I came from the factory with a vagina that I can’t possibly be annoyed and overwhelmed with children. That I can’t possibly be upset at having them thrust upon me as my entire life’s purpose. I don’t get how I can communicate so clearly not only my needs but what changes I feel need to be made to get there, a detailed fucking plan, and just have it fall on deaf ears. Men always want to bitch that women are vague and can’t communicate but I feel like the problem is they just aren’t listening.
I need the kind of partner that anticipates my needs and can see I’m having a hard time and offers to help even if it’s at their own detriment. He does not do that. Ever. He does not ever offer help without being asked a bunch of times for help. He wants to schedule help! What an asinine thought. See I’m having a hard time. Offer to make dinner. Vacuum without being told. Offer to watch the kids for a couple hours and tell me to go thrifting. Haha nope never will happen because he is too far up his own ass doing his resale HOBBY that he MUST do or he will DIE. Nevermind his wife being crushed under the responsibility of solo parenting. How selfish do you have to be? Nevermind he as admitted he is this selfish to me before. I really am the clown here.
This makes me feel so bad for my children. They did not ask to be born. Yet they are saddled with a father who is never around and a mother who never wanted nor expected them to be her only priority. A mother so burned out by never having help, days off, or autonomy, that she lashes out at them for every added inconvenience. It isn’t their fault. They still have much to learn. And I burn every bit of fuel I have left trying to single handedly strong arm them onto a good track on life. They are the rapidly falling anchor and I hold the rope struggling with my heels on the floor trying to keep them from falling, failing. Life would be easier if I gave up, stuck them in front of the TV all day, made them chicken nuggets for dinner every night, and never challenged them. I do not see that as benefiting them at all. I express my love through fierce devotion to a better future. My brand of anxiety has always been “future sorrow”. I fear a bad tomorrow, so I do all I can today to make tomorrow easier. I will burn myself out now for the hope of better days ahead. I force my kids to eat dinners they may not like because hate it 12 times, love it the 13th. I ration their TV time because they need to exercise their brains with creative play and a healthy levels of boredom. Boredom leads to solutions. It leads to normalizing expectations of what life is. You will not always be liked. It will not always be easy. I want to give you all the tools I can to become better people and sometimes that means struggle and meeting with unpleasant things. Especially when you have ADHD and you’re going to have to work twice as hard as most people to achieve the same results. I wont’ give up on you. I realize this is the other side to the parenting coin which is far more relaxed and loving. I don’t believe in solving every issue or making every unpleasant thing disappear. Who’s to say if it will do any good but this is what I feel is best for them. I’m sorry. But I do love them. Very much. If I didn’t I would abandon them entirely to be raised by Mr. Nickelodeon and Mrs. iPad. I’d let them indulge and form unhealthy attachments to things that will hinder them later in life. Hard now. Easy later.
I wish I could nurture. I wish I could be happier and not see them as such a hindrance right now. It’s hard. I sent my husband a meme recently that said something like “I need a vacation from my family to remind myself I actually love them and like living here”. And yep. When you are struggling, everyone relying on you struggles too. Maybe I could nurture more if I wasn’t being forced to be a solo parent with a half full jug. For that reason I know I am not a perfect parent, but I am putting the effort in. I’m doing the best I can with what I have. I believe in tomorrow.
Am I fooling myself? Trying to turn water to wine? Why can’t I leave it all behind?
Hard now. Easy later. I think that is the best way to describe why I stay. I still believe tomorrow will be better. I see small glimpses that my husband has indeed gotten better over time. Slowly. It is forward progress. My children may also get easier with time. Things will move forward with or without me. With me I think it will be a positive direction. There is the unfortunate matter of me telling my husband “I would die for this cat” in a text with a photo of a random cat I thought would be unobtainable…the cat I am going to get on Sunday. I do believe the circumstances of finding and obtaining this rare cat are strange and the universe is luring me to my death. It must feel I am better off gone and that’s a shame, as I think there’s still a lot left on this earth I should do and can change for the better. But things aren’t always within our control. Especially when you’re in a cage.
